The Funniest Chelsea Quotes... Ever!

The Funniest Chelsea Quotes... Ever! PDF

Author: Gordon Law

Publisher:

Published: 2016-11-01

Total Pages: 130

ISBN-13: 9781539777991

DOWNLOAD EBOOK →

From Jose Mourinho to Ron 'Chopper' Harris, Chelsea managers and players have kept us entertained with some truly hilarious sound bites over the years. In this comprehensive collection, author Gordon Law has compiled more than 250 side-splitting quotes and quips from the men of Stamford Bridge.Packed with loads of classic one-liners, wise-cracks, verbal volleys and mixed metaphors, this book will have you chuckling throughout the season. "Mark Hughes is playing better and better, even if he's starting to look like a pigeon."Gianluca Vialli "Chelsea were a sausage, eggs and chips club before the foreign players arrived."Dennis Wise. "Wisey said I think too much. But I have to do all his thinking for him."Gianfranco Zola "With hindsight, it's easy to look at it with hindsight."Glenn Hoddle

Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea PDF

Author: Chelsea Handler

Publisher: Simon and Schuster

Published: 2009-12-29

Total Pages: 274

ISBN-13: 1416596364

DOWNLOAD EBOOK →

In a word: hilarious. . . . These are some of the funniest stories I have ever read and they're also some of the most unexpectedly heartfelt--Laura Zigman, author of "Animal Husbandry."

My Horizontal Life

My Horizontal Life PDF

Author: Chelsea Handler

Publisher: Grand Central Publishing

Published: 2013-04-30

Total Pages: 141

ISBN-13: 1455577529

DOWNLOAD EBOOK →

In this raucous collection of true-life stories, Chelsea Handler recounts her time spent in the social trenches with that wild, strange, irresistible, and often gratifying beast: the one-night stand. You've either done it or know someone who has: the one-night stand, the familiar outcome of a night spent at a bar, sometimes the sole payoff for your friend's irritating wedding, or the only relief from a disastrous vacation. Often embarrassing and uncomfortable, occasionally outlandish, but most times just a necessary and irresistible evil, the one-night stand is a social rite as old as sex itself and as common as a bar stool. Enter Chelsea Handler. Gorgeous, sharp, and anything but shy, Chelsea loves men and lots of them. My Horizontal Life chronicles her romp through the different bedrooms of a variety of suitors, a no-holds-barred account of what can happen between a man and a sometimes very intoxicated, outgoing woman during one night of passion. From her short fling with a Vegas stripper to her even shorter dalliance with a well-endowed little person, from her uncomfortable tryst with a cruise ship performer to her misguided rebound with a man who likes to play leather dress-up, Chelsea recalls the highs and lows of her one-night stands with hilarious honesty. Encouraged by her motley collection of friends (aka: her partners in crime) but challenged by her family members (who at times find themselves a surprise part of the encounter), Chelsea hits bottom and bounces back, unafraid to share the gritty details. My Horizontal Life is one guilty pleasure you won't be ashamed to talk about in the morning.

Chelsea Girls

Chelsea Girls PDF

Author: Eileen Myles

Publisher: HarperCollins

Published: 2015-09-29

Total Pages: 161

ISBN-13: 0062394673

DOWNLOAD EBOOK →

Available once again for a new generation of readers, the groundbreaking and candid coming-of-age novel in-real-time from one of America's most celebrated poets that is considered a cult classic. In this breathtakingly inventive autobiographical novel, Eileen Myles transforms life into a work of art. Told in her audacious voice, made vivid and immediate in her lyrical language, Chelsea Girls cobbles together memories of Myles’ 1960s Catholic upbringing with an alcoholic father, her volatile adolescence, her unabashed “lesbianity,” and her riotous pursuit of survival as a poet in 1970s New York. Suffused with alcohol, drugs, and sex; evocative in its depictions of the hardscrabble realities of a young artist’s life; and poignant with stories of love, humor, and discovery, Chelsea Girls is a funny, cool, and intimate account of a writer’s education, and a modern chronicle of how a young female writer shrugged off the chains of a rigid cultural identity meant to define her.

Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang PDF

Author: Chelsea Handler

Publisher: Grand Central Publishing

Published: 2010-04-01

Total Pages: 256

ISBN-13: 0446563536

DOWNLOAD EBOOK →

In these personal essays, the hilarious comedian and Chelsea Lately host reflects on family, love life, and the absurdities of adulthood with "cheeky candor" and signature wit (Philadelphia Inquirer). Life doesn't get more hilarious than when Chelsea Handler takes aim with her irreverent wit. Who else would send all-staff emails to smoke out the dumbest people on her show? Now, in this new collection of original essays, the #1 bestselling author of Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea delivers one laugh-out-loud moment after another as she sets her sights on the ridiculous side of childhood, adulthood, and daughterhood. Family moments are fair game, whether it's writing a report on Reaganomics to earn a Cabbage Patch doll, or teaching her father social graces by ordering him to stay indoors. It's open season on her love life, from playing a prank on her boyfriend (using a ravioli, a fake autopsy, and the Santa Monica pier) to adopting a dog so she can snuggle with someone who doesn't talk. And everyone better duck for cover when her beach vacation turns into matchmaking gone wild. Outrageously funny and deliciously wicked, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang is good good good good! Chelsea Handler on . . . Being unpopular: "My parents couldn't have been more unreasonable when it came to fads or clothes that weren't purchased at a pharmacy." Living with her boyfriend: "He's similar to a large toddler, the only difference being he doesn't cry when he wakes up." Appreciating her brother: "He's a certified public accountant, and I have a real life." Arm-wrestling a maid of honor: "It wasn't her strength that intimidated me. It was the starry way her eyes focused on me, like Mike Tyson getting ready to feed."

Life Will Be the Death of Me

Life Will Be the Death of Me PDF

Author: Chelsea Handler

Publisher: Dial Press

Published: 2019-04-09

Total Pages: 272

ISBN-13: 0525511784

DOWNLOAD EBOOK →

#1 NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • The funny, sad, super-honest, all-true story of Chelsea Handler’s year of self-discovery—featuring a nerdily brilliant psychiatrist, a shaman, four Chow Chows, some well-placed security cameras, various family members (living and departed), friends, assistants, and a lot of edibles A SKIMM READS PICK • “This will be one of your favorite books of all time.”—Amy Schumer In a haze of vape smoke on a rare windy night in L.A. in the fall of 2016, Chelsea Handler daydreams about what life will be like with a woman in the White House. And then Donald Trump happens. In a torpor of despair, she decides that she’s had enough of the privileged bubble she’s lived in—a bubble within a bubble—and that it’s time to make some changes, both in her personal life and in the world at large. At home, she embarks on a year of self-sufficiency—learning how to work the remote, how to pick up dog shit, where to find the toaster. She meets her match in an earnest, brainy psychiatrist and enters into therapy, prepared to do the heavy lifting required to look within and make sense of a childhood marked by love and loss and to figure out why people are afraid of her. She becomes politically active—finding her voice as an advocate for change, having difficult conversations, and energizing her base. In the process, she develops a healthy fixation on Special Counsel Robert Mueller and, through unflinching self-reflection and psychological excavation, unearths some glittering truths that light up the road ahead. Thrillingly honest, insightful, and deeply, darkly funny, Chelsea Handler’s memoir keeps readers laughing, even as it inspires us to look within and ask ourselves what really matters in our own lives. Praise for Life Will Be the Death of Me “You thought you knew Chelsea Handler—and she thought she knew herself—but in her new book, she discovers that true progress lies in the direction we haven’t been.”—Gloria Steinem “I always wondered what it would be like to watch Chelsea Handler in session with her therapist. Now I know.”—Ellen DeGeneres “I love this book not just because it made me laugh or because I learned that I feel the same way about certain people in politics as Chelsea does. I love this book because I feel like I finally really got to know Chelsea Handler after all these years. Thank you for sharing, Chelsea!”—Tiffany Haddish

Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me

Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me PDF

Author: Friends Chelsea's Family, and Other Victims

Publisher: Borderline Amazing/A Chelsea Handler Book

Published: 2011-05-10

Total Pages: 304

ISBN-13: 1455504653

DOWNLOAD EBOOK →

"My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate."--Chelsea Handler, from Chapter 10 of Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang It's no lie: Chelsea Handler loves to smoke out "dumbassness," the condition people suffer from that allows them to fall prey to her brand of complete and utter nonsense. Friends, family, co-workers--they've all been tricked by Chelsea into believing stories of total foolishness and into behaving like total fools. Luckily, they've lived to tell the tales and, for the very first time, write about them.

Fever Pitch

Fever Pitch PDF

Author: Nick Hornby

Publisher: Penguin UK

Published: 2005-05-05

Total Pages: 229

ISBN-13: 0141926546

DOWNLOAD EBOOK →

*WINNER OF THE WILLIAM HILL SPORTS BOOK OF THE YEAR* Fever Pitch is Nick Hornby's million-copy-selling, award-winnning football classic 'A spanking 7-0 away win of a football book. . . inventive, honest, funny, heroic, charming' Independent For many people watching football is mere entertainment, to some it's more like a ritual; but to others, its highs and lows provide a narrative to life itself. But, for Nick Hornby, his devotion to the game has provided one of few constants in a life where the meaningful things - like growing up, leaving home and forming relationships, both parental and romantic - have rarely been as simple or as uncomplicated as his love for Arsenal. Brimming with wit and honesty, Fever Pitch, catches perfectly what it really means to be a football fan - and in doing so, what it means to be a man. 'Hornby has put his finger on truths that have been unspoken for generations' Irish Times 'Funny, wise and true' Roddy Doyle

As You Wish

As You Wish PDF

Author: Chelsea Sedoti

Publisher: Sourcebooks, Inc.

Published: 2018-01-02

Total Pages: 432

ISBN-13: 1492642320

DOWNLOAD EBOOK →

If you could make one wish that was guaranteed to come true—what would you wish for? Rules for Wishing: Never let an outsider find out about wishing. (Zip your lips and throw away the key.) Wishes that would impact the world are off limits (i.e. no bringing back the dinosaurs). Do no harm. (Murder = no bueno.) No time travel. (What's done is done, pal.) No bringing back the dead. (Come on. You've seen what happens in THE WALKING DEAD.) NEVER BREAK THE RULES. (Seriously. We mean it. See Rule #7.) There are always consequences. Madison is a small town in the Mojave desert on the road between nothing and nowhere. It's an unremarkable speck on the map, which is perfect for protecting the town's secret. Because in Madison, everyone can make one wish on their eighteenth birthday-and that wish always comes true. Most of Eldon's classmates have had their wishes picked out for months, even years. Not Eldon. He's seen how wishing has hurt the people around him. His parents' marriage is strained, his sister is a virtual ghost in their house, his ex-girlfriend is dating his ex-friend...where does he even begin? One thing is for sure: Eldon has only twenty-five days to figure it out—and the rest of his life to live with the consequences.

Inexplicably Me

Inexplicably Me PDF

Author: Chelsea Austin Montgomery-Duban Wächter

Publisher: Simon and Schuster

Published: 2022-05-03

Total Pages: 256

ISBN-13: 0757324282

DOWNLOAD EBOOK →

A hilariously moving and inspirational memoir of a girl with two gay dads, navigating her way through life with joy, love, gratitude, and an excellent sense of humor. As the daughter of two gay fathers in the 90s, Chelsea has always had a different outlook than some people. And yet, her message is one of universal importance – love is the most important force in the world. Through her moving and at times hilarious memoir, Chelsea reflects on how we are all much more similar than we are different. Living “two doors down from normal,” Chelsea quickly learned that society loves to put people in boxes, but these boxes do not always reflect how we feel about ourselves. Through Inexplicably Me, Chelsea works to bring people together in love and acceptance and to illustrate that, while her story may seem worlds away from others, we all strive for happiness and love. From sharing the stage with President Obama when she was only eighteen years old, to her father spending her senior year of college in federal prison camp, to her biological mother dying of cancer when she was only 56, Chelsea explores her painful and joyful experiences with the hope that readers will find inspiration to face their own challenges and embrace their own joys. Inexplicably Me is a bridge for those who fear what they don’t understand, as well as a possibility for those who have lacked love in their lives to see how they can start to access their self-worth, begin achieving their dreams, and start loving themselves again. Most of all, it is a reminder that everyone will have an opinion about who you are supposed to be, but you, and only you, get to decide exactly who it is you want to be.